Archive | November, 2016

he was my world

30 Nov

he was my heart.

he was my love.

he was my grounding.

he was my future.

he was the father to my future children. The man I would own a vineyard with in Chile and a winery in Canton. My sweet, sweet boy who asked before kissing me for the first time. The man who had purchased an engagement ring within 3 months of our first date… and held onto it for 2 years before proposing in Rome. My Eagle Scout who sent his badge back to show is support for LGBTQ Scouts and Masters. My farmer who’s arms have made me melt since we were 13 years old. Ironically, the man who I sat next to in the same room as our other two lifelong best friends (both of these men were in our wedding) as we watched the second plane fly into the South Tower and our precious, innocent 12 year old lives were forever changed.

he was my world. Of course I didn’t know how to act or what to do or how to behave or how to eat or be a FUCKING human! I had lost my WORLD. I still feel like people don’t understand that the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with and raise babies with died in front of me and just because I’m not slitting my wrists in my bathtub does NOT mean that it’s okay to make jokes about drowning around me. Or call him my ex-husband. He’s my late husband. There’s a difference. Or lots of other things people seem to think it’s ok to do around me because I’m “strong” or “handle things like this well”. I handle them well because I’ve been through so many tradgic things that they commonplace. That doesn’t make one stronger as quickly as we all hope. It makes us far more fragile for longer than we like to admit.

But I’m finally realizing how I busied myself and “I’m fine”ed everyone until I was blue in the face… well actually until I up and moved to Phoenix… haha But that’s another story. I see now how much I was avoiding the feelings of sadness. But they just hurt. So. Bad. Like my heart was falling out of my chest. Like I could just die then and there because my very essence was lost at the bottom of that god damned lake with him. And my dad for that matter. But again, another story. But I didn’t die. And my essence came back slowly with laughs and hugs and through many tears. And I think for a long time I have been struggling in this inbetween of wanting to move on and be happy but not being ready to let that mean that all those things I wanted with Mitch are no more. But as I was thinking about it I kept thinking “he was this” and “he was that”. Never once “is”. And that’s when I realized that as much as it grieves me to say and know it to be true, those dreams, wishes, hopes and that future died with him. I can say he was my soul mate. But only for that time in my soul’s journey. I think I had one soul mate before Mitchell and I pray to find one after him. And with that soul mate I will have a completely different, but equally as wonderful love. With our own dreams, hopes and future. As much as every past lover has a piece of everyone’s heart, Mitch has a piece of mine.

But my future is mine. Mine to make right. Mine to make right through writing. So here goes.

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